MERRY EFFING XMAS FROM AMERICA'S DYNASTIC ELITE! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

CLASSIC DIRT Date: February 26, 1999 -- First sarcastic "Ask Jerky" reply! Dear Jerky: how do u know if u have a small penis or not? RAYMOND, JUST RAYMOND Dear RAYMOND, JUST RAYMOND: If u can fuck a Cheerio, u have a small penis. If, however, u r a Life Savers man, u have nothing to worry about.

THEY SAID IT! "If you mean by military victory an Iraqi government that can be established and whose writ runs across the whole country, that gets the civil war under control and sectarian violence under control in a time period that the political processes of the democracies will support, I don't believe that is possible. ... " - Now, even that mass-murdering power-psycho Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is unwinnable. *** **** *** "SHUT UP! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass! You can talk! You can talk! You can talk! You're brave now motherfucker. Throw his ass out! He's a nigger! HE'S A NIGGER! HE'S A NIGGER! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!" - Oh, that kooky Kramer... always getting mixed up in all sorts of zany shenanigans! I'd say Michael Richards just fucked up his career, but let's be honest... WHAT career?!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by N8Possibilities! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Horatio for sending in today's second joke. Q: Why did God give women arms? A: Do you know how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by The Ladies... One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! My old Pal Jerky, I am truly sorry to see you go. I've been a faithful reader of the website version of the Dirt for some time now. I've never written you before, frankly because I'm not usually one to take nor find the time to sit down and commit words to page and send them out. I barely stomach forwarding the odd email that actually makes me laugh from the thousands that are circulated and re-circulated ad nauseum every day from my inbox to the next. What I just read on your latest update however warrants some effort. I understand your reasons for shutting everything down and lament your decision to do so; hopefully another outlet is sought for you to continue your specialized brand of sagacious synopses and discerning editorials. Perhaps a blog of your own at someone else's expense, or a column at an established blog? At any rate, for the work you have done I thank you - it's been a pleasure absorbing what I could from you over the years, finding out what I missed, or having a different slant or viewpoint presented on familiar issues. If/when you do continue, even in some limited fashion other than the Dirt, please let us know. You ARE worthy of your readership, and we'd appreciate a venue to continue our adulation. At least I would. And if not, at least know that you had an effect these past years and your words did not fall upon...well, blind eyes. If this is the end, then good luck in your future endeavors, Dan [Thanks for the vote of confidence, but any "established" blogs (an oxymoron right there) won't touch my radioactive carcass, thanks to all the dribbling cocks and cunts. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I have been the reading the Dirt for the past 6 years and it has been my window to the state of affairs in the Land of the Free. It saddens to know that the light by my window is about to diminish, but then some light is better than no light. From everyone who reads your publication in the Indian subcontinent... we will miss the regular Dirt. If you have a blog, please let all your friends know about it. It'd be great to read, even when you aren't a part of the DD anymore. M Daddy [Thanks, M Daddy. Will do! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky: Thank you for all the laughs (and eye candy) over the years. Your golden age was around 1999 to 2001, that is when I would read you every day. After that your website changed appearance, etc. When we get older our views of life change. I know you will pop up somewhere else even better. - Juro [Keep your fingers crossed for me. - Jerky] *** **** *** So this is it. I remember so long ago moving into my haven at the beach, and with my new phone service came these four 3.5 floppies as a promo. I loaded those babies up, and immediately typed in every sexually twisted search variation I could find. With anticipation high, and lotion in hand, I hit the enter button. Boy did I ever find a jerk-off. That was the day that I found the Daily Dirt. It might have been a bit before your time, but I kept coming back to the Dirt. Some parts were funny and there were some slutty pics, but it was more than that. Over the years you tossed out a no bullshit agenda into the ring for everyone to take a run at. No qualifications, no appeasement, just your stated opinion and I appreciated that. I read a lot, and sadly didn't contribute as much as I should have. Over the last while, I have seen the edge go away. There were many knockout punches I was just waiting for you to throw, and they never came. I say this as one of your victims "back in the day", as I have felt your wrath. I got over it by the way, and actually read your link to Operation Northwoods. So where does a fat bastard with little to no redeeming qualities go from here? Hell I don't know, but if I ever figure it out, I'll give you a call. JM [The spirit is alive and well! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, It's sad to realize that we will really be missing your daily humor forever. At first I thought you were just having a long holiday with sexy gals usually posing in your sites :) It became my habit to visit your website every afternoon while relaxing after a day of work. I like the humor and specially the jokes sent in by your pals out there. Well, this is life! What's in today may be out tomorrow. But lemme remind you Jerky that when a door closed for you - plenty others open widely awaiting you to get in! It happens all the time... with everybody. We may have never been personally acquainted... but your humor and jokes are saved not just literally in my archives, but in my innermost intestines :P Have a nice day pal! Lino Alano [Thanks, Lino! - Jerky] *** **** *** Sorry to see you go Monsieur Leboeuf. Great entertainment mixed with critical education. Funny and incisive, intelligent and NOT boring, for a change. Most importantly, it was Independent. Fare thee well, and thank you ever so much for all your hard work and enlightenment of so many! Ronald Bosch [Thank you sir. - Jerky] *** **** *** DAMN, man i hate to see you go since sometimes you were one of a few bright spots in this fucked up country we call home. i knda figgered they got you or sumptin, if you never do anything right again please don't turn over your mailing list to the man i don't want to go back to the caves and live yet, what am i gonna do with the years worth of daily dirts i have archieved on this computer, oh well thanks for the party, nuthin lasts forever. later, sn1per [Wish I could make you that promise, sn1per, but I can't. I've never even seen the mailing list. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ I was going to write to say how much I, and I suspect a few thousand other aficionados from this side of the Pond, am going to miss your daily sanity doses. I had then planned to thank you for making the often indigestible truth, well, often digestible, and for making me feel I knew something important about the world that others less well-informed did not. However, since reading today’s Jerky-missive, I have to ask you about something far more… err… pedestrian. What’s with all the foot-wanks? YOP JC aka Skid [Don't ask, don't tell. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I've read the Dirt since 1999, and I just wanted to let you know your work hasn't been in vain. Over the years, the Dirt has given me (and many, many of us) a different perspective on news and events, sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but always relevant and right on the mark. At the risk of sucking your cock too much, I'd like to thank you for your years of humor, commentary, and pure effort. Many of us would really hate to see you go. Regards, Justin [Not enough of you, apparently! (I kid, I kid) - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, As soon as I heard about the Monkey God getting his arse kicked, I checked the old daily dirt site -- just in case. Glad I did. Frank V [How are you enjoying limbo so far? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; I don't suppose you'll ever be changing the Uglitron ever again, will you? Aram [I guess it's time. Here you go. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com