OPTICAL ILLUSION / RIGHT-BRAIN TEST READ THIS BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE! This is bizarre! after you find the guy, it's so obvious. Once you find him, it's embarrassing, and you think, "Why didn't I see him immediately?" Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!! And, yes, the man is really there. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 27 On this day in 1790, the shoelace is invented, thus sending the Velcro industry into a tail-spin from which it woundn't recover until Americans became so collectively obese that spending more than a few quick seconds with hands at foot level became unbearable, thus sparking a revival. On this day in 1997, 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult -- all intelligent, educated, marginally functional members of society -- commit mass suicide in a rented mansion just outside San Diego. According to their extensive online ramblings, they killed themselves to evolve beyond the trappings of human flesh, and were hoping to hitch a ride on some kind of giant alien Space Ark hidden in the tail of then-approaching Hale-Bopp Comet. Yer old pal Jerky was originally going to point out that it takes real balls to die for what you believe in -- no matter how goofy -- but then he remembered that those guys were all castrated, totally throwing the balls-to-suicide ratio theory out of whack. On this day in 2006 -- TODAY, technically -- Polish science-fiction author Stanislaw Lem and conservative political advisor Lyn Nofziger both kick the fuckin' bucket. One of these deaths was no great loss to humanity. You be the judge as to which.

THEY SAID IT! "We violate her. There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says." - Sean Penn has a shitload of fun with his Ann Coulter voodoo torture doll. Sure wish I had one, too! *** **** *** "We're not the conspiracy theorists on this particular issue. It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75% of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions." - Charlie Sheen is probably right about there being more -- a LOT more -- to the terrorist attacks of 9/11 than meets the eye (or the official whitewash investigation). Still, that doesn't change the fact that he's Charlie Fucking Sheen for fuck's sake! On the other hand, maybe in this day and age, having a celebrity of dubious qualifications go public with his doubts is the only way to kick this or any meme into a wider popular discussion.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant with a smile as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Mick for sending in today's second joke. Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina." Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've got really ugly tits." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by N8Possibilities... The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!" "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell, just can't stay on the church roof!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WHAT I HAVE IN COMMON WITH BUSH care of: Yellow Dog As you all know, I am all about building bridges. In that spirit, I have decided I must search for some common ground with the President. Here goes: 1) When it serves my interests, I fake a Texas drawl. 2) I, too, have a hard time putting food on my family. 3) I don't spend alot of time thinking about Usama Bin Laden. 4) I really have no concept of how the other half lives. 5) I don't believe that my history of drug use is any of your business. 6) I have a silly laugh for a grown man. 7) I am not prepared to run a whole country. 8) I had no idea that Usama Bin Laden intended to attack us. 9) I once swore an oath to protect and defend the US Constitution without having read it. 10) I wasn't smart enough to get into Yale either. - Yellow Dog FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky's Law is excellent, despite its unsavory source. It has befallen me any number of times -- the single worst was right before a good friend needed me to provide a sperm sample with which she might commit insurance fraud for in vitro fertilization. You're not even allowed to use spit as a lubricant, and she needed it within 10 minutes because she had to have her program approved before her freakin' egg descended 18 minutes later or somesuch. So I was yanking away at the "Fifth Beatle" with nary a trickle of goo to help, and a tight deadline, after having shot a bucketful all over [CENSORED]'s ass 20 minutes before the friend rang my buzzer. And Jerky's Law is way better than mine (from The Urban Dictionary): 1. Doyle's Law ~ When a Russian tries to say Murphy's Law, but fucks up his expressions as usual. Means the same as Murphy's Law, mainly used by first generation immigrants. "It is, how you say... Doyle's Law, da?" ACD [Heheheheh. - Jerky] *** **** *** JESUS FUCKING NAILHOLES!!! If I had googled my name and got that I think I would stop jerking off forever. But I digress because I was surprised I didn’t see O’Malley’s corollary to Murphy’s most famous law “that whatever can go wrong, will.” According to O’Malley, “Murphy was an optimist”! YOP TJ [They're both optimists. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, I have Law #12 fer ya. I call it White's Law: The minute the joint is lit, your children will appear! Regards, W. White [Good one. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I can't believe there isn't a major uproar over W's admission that our gallant soldiers (poor guys) will be in Iraq... forever!!!! "They will be there until I leave office" (or words to that effect). He has finally come clean. Either the plan was to invade and occupy for strategic oil reserves, or free the Iraqi people (yeah right!). We now find out W wants funds to bolster 4 bases on top of at least 10 or 14 more. We'll stand down when the Iraqis stand up? Bullshit! This war is about an American presence in Iraq as long the American people stand for it! Unfortunatly,there are not are many historians in the U.S. or Britain that remember the Brits were kicked out of the country they created. My question is, knowing the history and turmoil in the Middle East, why would Tony Blair throw his lot with W? Either our fearless leaders are incompetant or they are goddamn liars! YOP, Ernie [Who says Blair threw in with Bush? Maybe it was the other way around. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerka, Would you go into a library named after a man who cant fucking read? Shouldn't it be called a museum or sumptin'? Leo. P.S. Seems like you are getting your second wind. Hang in there, baby. [Thanks mang. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Just because the reason for the untimely deaths of Lincoln and JFK in my belief was their fight with THE BANK doesn't mean I'm paranoid. Splain me this. What reason does the Fed have for opening a special "Web Site" just for 11 to 14 year old kids? If not to get the little devils ready for future spoon feeding. And never forget "Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't watching you." Cheers, YOPMick [Yeah, that sure sounds like -- wait a minute... Look over there! WETBACKS!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Start saving now ...because Christmas is coming! Black Dog [ME WANTY!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Thank you, KBmRGn [No he didn't! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com