SNAKES ON A PLANE AND OTHER STUFF I've asked this before and I'll probably ask it again, but here goes: If you believed for most of your life (and with all your heart) that the world would be consumed in a rain of fire and brimstone roughly around the year 2000 -- as Preznit Dubya and some of his closest advisors clearly did -- and if, in the year 2000, you found yourself appointed to a political position wherein it would be possible for YOU to spark a global rain of fire and brimstone -- as Preznit Dubya has -- wouldn't you at the very least be tempted to do your perceived duty? To fulfill your role in bringing full circle the series of self-fulfilling prophecies that constitute the totality of the historical Christian religion? Wouldn't you? I'm just asking. Werther, from Counterpunch, asks a half-dozen questions about 9/11 that The Powers That Be would rather you didn't ask. Who is Osama bin Laden, really? And whatever happened to the anthrax "investigation"? Things like that. As long as we're winding our way down memory lane, here, remember two years ago when the General Accounting Office was threatened with drastic funding cuts if they insisted on persuing creepy-veepy Dick Cheney about those Super-Secret Energy Taskforce meetings? Ah... good times! Many of you probably weren't aware of this, but the future of Internet political discussion was, until recently, suspended in limbo, awaiting a ruling by the Federal Election Commission. In the end, the feds seem to have decided that it's easier to suffer the slings of the few (mostly marginalized and ignored) truth-telling bloggers, because they couldn't get away with what they get away with if it weren't for the assistance of the "useful idiot" propaganda-bloggers whose every bullshit utterences invariably get picked up by and vectored into the conservative mainstream media, anyway. So the Net remains a political free-for-all... for the time being. If you care about truth in advertizing, then you're probably going to want to check out Samuel L. Jackson's next flick, entitled "Snakes on a Muthafuckin' PLANE, Muthafuckas!", give or take a few "muthafuckas". Sure, the plot was totally stolen from a mediocre Saturday Night Live sketch, but who cares? This could very well be the funniest fucking phone prank of all time. Leave it to the Brits to come up with something this friggin' cruel and ingenious. The US military seeks the capability to knock out every telephone, every networked computer, every radar system on the planet. Are these plans the pipe dreams of self-aggrandizing bureaucrats? Or are they real? The fact that the Information Operations Roadmap is approved by DefSec Donald Rumsfeld indicates that these plans are taken very seriously indeed in the Pentagon. And that the scale and grandeur of the digital revolution is matched only by the US military's ambitions for it. Much to yer old pal Jerky's chagrin, the most excellent publisher of "unusual books" in the whole wide world has decided to call it quits. Lucky for the rest of you, my sadness is your gain, because Loompanics is having a Going Out of Business sale in which some of the craziest books ever published are being offered at 75 percent off! Some of the titles offered by Loompanics truly walk the First Amendment line. Check out their category list and you'll see what I mean. Despite the outré nature of their offerings, you can rest assured that your orders will be handled with the utmost of professionalism. Mine always have. Now more than ever... be careful out there. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 24 Believe it or not, today is National Pecan Day in the USA. So today, in order to show your appreciation for all those hard working pecan ranchers out there -- those brave men and women who keep our pecan pies nice and jam-packed with delicious pecans -- why not go out and beat up a walnut rancher? Come on, you know you wanna! On this day in 1989, thanks to the drunken antics of skipper Ron Hazelwood, the Exxon Valdez runs into some rocks and spills 11.3 MILLION GALLONS of crude off the pristine Alaska coastline. Just to put the magnitude of this waste into its proper perspective: that's enough fuel to keep about a half-dozen of your average SUVs running for an entire WEEKEND! On this day in 1998, the Jonesboro Horror takes place, in which Mitchell Johnson, 13, and Andrew Golden, 11, play a real-life, one-sided game of Unreal Tournament with their classmates. The previous day, Johnson had "joked" with friends he had "a lot of killing to do" because he was upset at being rejected by girls at the school. After pulling a fire alarm, Golden ran to join his buddy Johnson in the woods 100 yards from the school's exit, a sniper's perch from which they fired upon the emerging students and teachers, killing five and wounding ten. When the police caught up with the boys and their stolen van later that same day, they found an impressive array of firearms and other weapons, all of which had been pilfered from the Golden family's massive personal armory. Much to the NRA's chagrin, it was later learned that both boys had been raised around guns, both belonged to gun clubs, and both had participated in practical shooting competitions, which involves firing at moving simulated human targets. Too young to be tried as adults, the boys are being held in a facility built special for them by the Arkansas department of corrections, until they turn 21. Johnson, the instigator and he-man woman-hater, is currently 18. Click here and tell me the fatter punk doesn't look like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh had a baby. March 25 On this day in 1911, a fast-moving fire swept through the Triangle Shirtwaist Company, a garment sweatshop located in New York City's Lower East Side. If any of the hundreds who gathered to watch this drama unfold were in the mood for carnage, they were in luck. Trapped on the ninth and tenth floors behind fire exits that were locked shut by the company, employees -- mostly young immigrant women -- had two options: either be burned alive or hurl their bodies down to the pavement below. Sophie Salami and Della Costello were the first to leap, and they did so together, arm in arm. Helpless would-be rescuers watched as a fifteen-year-old girl, chased by flames, crawled out a window and held on for long, screaming minutes. When she finally fell to her death, firemen saw that her hands had roasted through. Three brave laborers in a neighboring building formed a human chain across which a few women were able to crawl to safety. These brave men persevered, but their bodies eventually failed and they, too, fell to their doom. Sisters, daughters, mothers and grandmothers wrapped rags around their heads -- some making the sign of the cross -- and jumped. Up to five at a time, sometimes holding hands. Witnesses described the infernal sight of doomed women plummeting, fire streaming back from their hair and dresses, smashing into -- and, in some cases, through -- the pavement. Shock-frazzled firemen watched, helpless, as girl after girl ripped through their outstretched rescue nets as though they were made out of cobwebs. By the time it was over, one hundred and forty-six people were dead. Police found 25 charred corpses in the elevator shaft. Another two dozen bodies were found melted against the locked steel door on the ninth floor. Piles of bodies were found huddled together in cloakrooms and hallways. It was, up until that time, one of the worst industrial catastrophes ever. And why did all those people die? Because the factory owners were worried about their workers using the back way out to steal needles, fabric and supplies. If you didn't find the above story depressing enough, check out this incredible online resource by Cornell University for more information, including original newspaper reports, photographs, and some powerful editorial cartoons about the fire. March 26 On this day in the year 2228, James Tiberius Kirk is born. While attending Starfleet Academy, Kirk becomes the only student to ever defeat the dreaded Kobyashi Maru simulation test (he does so by cheating). The highlight of his long and illustrious career with Starfleet is his stint as captain of the USS Enterprise. Well... that, and fucking all those alien chicks. On this day in 1997, the thirty-nine androgynous, sexless Bill Gates clones who made up the membership of the Heaven's Gate cult -- which is still going strong, by the way! -- were found dead in a rented mansion near San Diego. From this exclusive domain, the cult members had been operating a successful web development company without too much interference from the outside world. The cult had been kicking around for a couple decades already, but it was the 4000-year return of the Hale-Bopp comet that sent these idiots swan-diving off the high-board, straight into an empty pool. Believing their spirit-forms were about to be picked up by an alien spaceship hiding in Hale-Bopp's tail, they all put on their track pants, laced up their Nikes, downed their barbituate/vodka/applesauce cocktails, and draped themselves in purple shrounds under which they eventually gagged, choked and died in their sleep... all because of one confused, schizophrenic music teacher's inability to reconcile his own sexuality with his rigid religious upbringing. Yer old pal Jerky was originally going to point out that it takes real balls to die for what you believe in -- no matter how goofy -- but then he remembered that those guys were all castrated, totally throwing the balls-to-suicide ratio theory out of whack.

THEY SAID IT! "The executive branch shall construe the provisions . . . that call for furnishing information to entities outside the executive branch . . . in a manner consistent with the president's constitutional authority to supervise the unitary executive branch and to withhold information . . ." - As if RE-re-authorizing the Constitution-shredding U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. wasn't bad enough, Preznit Dubya makes it worse by including yet another one of those crossed-finger "signing statements" -- "It isn't illegal if the Preznit does it!" -- that he seems to think absolve him from any criminal accountability, whatsoever. Let's hope history proves him wrong. *** **** *** "We're plain-spoken and straightforward, and we both believe in the importance of faith and family." - Saudi Arabian ambassador Turki Faisal explains the qualities that he believes make Americans and the Saudis natural allies in the world. Well... the conservative ones, at least. Ironic, is it not?

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal N8Possibilities for sending in today's second joke. A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by J. Cooper... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a tree stump shoved up his arse.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE FINAL WORD ON SRV care of: Beau Dear Jerky, Well, as you know, ol' Roegster is as full of shit as a Christmas turkey about the late, great Stevie Ray Vaughn. Did SRV play some Hendrix licks? Hell yes; everybody who plays guitar does. Stevie admired Jimi tremendously and played many of his songs so of course there's a similarity. But that's like saying all pianists who play Beethoven suck. Here are a few tidbits for Roegster - who, for an alledged guitar player, sure doesn't seem to know shit from shinola: Did ya' ever wonder Roeg, who Hendrix listened to? Well I'll tell you - A blues player named Buddy Guy was Jimi's greatest influence. Young Jimi would take a Super-8 movie camera to Buddy Guy's shows as a young man because Jimi fucking idolized the man. Ever wonder where Jimi learned to play behind his back? With his teeth? With his amp on "eleven"?? Look no futher than Buddy Fucking Guy who was doing all of those things a decade before anyone ever heard the name Jimi Hendrix. (By the way, Buddy Guy still kicks ass and takes names to this day) When Jimi arrived in London, an as-yet undiscovered guitarist, he saw a band you may have heard of called The Who. Pete Townshend had *his* amp cranked so loud the feedback was deafening. Pete was playing through twin Marshall amps at the time. (He later switched to Hi-Watt) Up until that time, feedback was something to be avoided, but Jimi loved Pete's "fuck you" attitude and as soon as Chas Chandler "discovered" Jimi, the first thing the young guitarist did was ask for a stack of Marshalls - just like Pete's. And he cranked 'em all the way up pretty much whenever he played. Not long after that, Townshend and another guitarist you may have heard of - a little nobody called Eric Clapton - were in attendance at a Hendrix show in London. Pete almost hit the roof when he watched Jimi "RIP HIM OFF". That's right - look it up if you don't believe me. He turned to Clapton and was practically speechless. All Eric could say was "I know... I know..." So when you belittle Stevie Ray Vaughn - a man who worshipped Jimi Hendrix - and a guitarist who was every bit his equal - you belittle dozens of other equally gifted guitarists who helped pave the way for Jimi and you also show that, simply put, you don't know what in the fuck you're talking about. I feel sorry for the other musicians in your band who have to put up with you, Roegster. You're an idiot. Yer Old Pal Beau [And that will have to be the last word on that. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Yo Jerky, Well I am back-did ya' miss me? Yeah, I did my little excursion to Taiwan and Thailand again-cant wait till October to do it again. But enough about my travels, like you care. I met a guy from Norway and he told me Bob Dole's Chief of Staff(?) claimed Dubbya was guilty of planning 9-11!? My first note of skeptiscism came when I heard Chief Of Staff. Maybe it was somebody in Bob Dole's camp, who knows? I was hoping you could tell me more about it. And my next question-Why do you hate System of a Down so much? I met their drummer and he was pretty cool, Ive seen them in concert (yeah, I am the creepy old guy at concerts now) and they're ok. Whats the beef? Have a great day! The Dalhi Bobba [First, I don't hate System of a Down, I just think their name is incredibly stupid-sounding. Second, Bob Dole's former chief of staff (or something), is Stanley Hilton, and he does indeed claim to believe that 9/11 was an inside job. Many in the 9/11 truth movement are wary of him, however. You can check out this interview he did with the always entertaining Alex Jones for more details of his claims. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I start each day by reading The Dirt. Please keep it up! I am forwarding an article I saw the other day that might be a fair explanation of what we should expect our future to look like. The article starts off kind of slow, but gets more interesting about half way through. I wish you would give it a read if you have time and make a comment. Charles Knott [Whether it's real or manufactured, the Peak Oil scare is going to be the lever which The Powers That Be use to catapult us all into their world historic plan... whatever that might be. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerks, I would never disrespect any Dirt reader. However, Panda is a twisted fuck and he must be silenced, by force if need be, before his mental man-sap spawns dire consequences... like the nazi's "final solution", perhaps. Just fucking with you, Panda, but you scared the shit out of me, maaaaaaaaan! I mean, that was one hell of a fucking visual! I can still smell the smoke from the burning bodies. YOPGessier [Panda is a genius. Let's hope he uses his gifts for good, instead of evil. - Jerky] *** **** *** Holy shit on a stick; did Bush really say what I think he said? "Shucks folks, guess I fucked it all up! Well, it's your problem now!" WTF is he going on friggin vacation for the next two years? The White House believes that people appreciate Bush's plainspoken approach even if they disagree with his decisions. "I understand war creates concerns," the president said. "Nobody likes war. It creates a sense of uncertainty in the country." I can’t… I don’t… but… ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! You know, I picked up that phrase of yours, "Jesus Fucking Nail-holes". Now when ever it pops out of my mouth people look at me like they’re waiting for the lightning to hit me. That’s how I feel. I can’t believe lightning didn’t strike him right at the podium. Finnegan [Always look both ways before saying that. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yes, it's disgusting that Halliburton is still going to get paid, so here's what you do: Buy HAL wherever it's trading right now, sell at 100 and put the profits toward the Dirt's hosting bill. Sure it may make you feel dirty, but... you're a morbidly obese porn peddler, so Suck It Up. The longer you stay on the air exposing the crimes of TPTB, the better. This is a war we're fighting here, we don't always have the luxury of behaving ethically. Besides, wouldn't it be nice to have Cronyism work for us, for a change? YOPLee [Not for me, thanks. Blood money smells funny. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! Does this article mean that Iraq was a mistake? I'm so confused. Where are all the rose petals? I want fucking rose petals!!! Peace, Rob [Would you settle for an IED? - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao GOJ, When I left the US in July 2002, I was a firm supporter of the Iraq war. I believed that Saddam Hussein was the new Hitler, and had the weapons to carry out his dastardly plans. When I got to Europe I was amazed that the Europeans did not think the same way. It took me six months or more of European news programs, mainly on Euronews, which seems the least biased of the English language news programs available to me - BBC, CNN, Fox News and Euronews. I was amazed that what I considered to be centrist news programs, CNN and BBC, were in fact totally biased in favour of their governments. I feel sorry for the Americans. With the biased news they get they have no chance of making the right decisions to save themselves. I have ceased corresponding with several of my erstwhile friends because I found their insistence on their own views, and their inability to even consider anything from outside, offensive. I follow the American news still, but on the web at sites like yours and Truthout, etc. because they cherry pick the stories that seem to me to be true. I am interested because I live in between the US and the Middle east and 35 miles from a very big US Airforce base. Good luck to you all. Etna Fred. [Live and learn! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com