SACRELICIOUS! Due to the fact that yer old pal Jerky had most of the day off, today, he wasn't able to completely finish the Daily Dirt SCANDAL content. So, in place of the usual celebrity crap, we present a Daily Dirt Classic, the Jerky LeBoeuf editorial which generated the most massive amount of hate-mail in our publication's storied history! So sit back, relax, and prepare to be pissed off as Jerky makes... THE CASE AGAINST THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! (originally published May 10, 1999) Ahhh... the Congress. For sheer contempt of America's Constitution, these clowns make the conservative assholes on the Supreme Court seem almost tolerable. I am referring, of course, to the recent historic vote in the House of Representatives regarding the display of religious icons in public places. Thanks to the recent Columbine High School killings in Denver, your Congress approved constitutional alterations which will enable individual states to FORCE schools and other government institutions (such as court-rooms and police stations) to display the Decalogue, more comonly known as the Ten Commandments. Of this decision, the Washington Post wrote: "Not since the 1950s, when Congress added the words 'under God' to the Pledge of Allegiance, have lawmakers tried to insert religious symbols so directly into the public square." There are other implications to this decision, but for today, let's concentrate on the Decalogue. Why did these bozo pukes have to make changes to the Constitution in order to allow religious teachers, judges and cops inflict their beliefs on others? Well, because our fore-fathers, the mostly non-christian giants who wrote the Constitution, could see into the future. They could see that, at some point in our nation's history, mentally atrophied, sexually dysfunctional religious FREAKS might want to turn the USA into a theocracy, so they wrote specific guarantees against this. It's called the First Amendment, and it specifically delineates the separation of Church and State. Today's congressional clowns couldn't fidget their way around the work of giants, so now they're doing the only thing they know how... tearing apart the Constitution and wiping their fat, slimy asses with the shreds. Pat Robertson squirmed with delight when he heard the news, as did Janet Parshall and James Dobson, two more extremists who would like nothing better than to see us return to the times of biblical rule of law. Religious advocates and conservative folks are saying: "So what? What's wrong with saying Thou Shalt Not Kill or Steal? The Ten Commandments are just a common sense guide for living!" This, of course, is total bullshit. Some Commandments are very specific to Christianity, while others are downright un-American! Let's go over them one by one... NEW ACTION MOSES! NOW WITH KUNG-FU GRIP! The First Commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods before me! See? Right away, we got a big, big problem. America is chock full of people with other religions - Muslim, Hindu, Bhuddist, Taoist, Wiccan - some of them worship different Gods, some of them worship NO God. Does this Commandment belong in a court-house? Of course it doesn't. The Second Commandment - Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth! Now there's a reasonable, level-headed, common-sense rule for living! No statues, because they might lead to dancing, which leads to... you know... The Third Commandment - Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Goddammit, this one just pisses me off! This Commandment stands in direct violation of the First Amendment, which guarantees Americans' freedom of speech. And do you know what the Bible (in its infinite wisdom) says should happen to people who break this Commandment? "And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death." (Leviticus 24:16). How un-American! The Fourth Commandment - Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates. Yer old pal Jerky wants to know why religious conservatives consider such an arbitrary, obviously religion-specific regulation as being fit to be put on display in government offices and law enforcement facilities, many of which (hospitals, cop shops) are open all week long, 24/7... The Fifth Commandment - Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. So if my daddy were Adolph Hitler, and I slapped him down when I found out about that whole Holocaust thing, then I should be put to death? In what way is this common sense? In what way is a person's relationship with their parents the government's business? The Sixth Commandment - Thou shalt not kill. Finally we get to a safe one, right? Wrong. For instance, most people are all for allowing cops to carry guns, and allowing them to use deadly force to apprehend dangerous, violent offenders. Most Americans are also pro-death penalty in cases where the crime is especially horrendous and where guilt is established with absolute certainty. Most people advocate the maintenence of our armed forces, who should be allowed to kill invading soldiers, if need be. Most people believe in an individual's right to defend oneself against aggression up to and including the use of deadly force against one's attacker. A great many people aslo believe that, should we ever face a painful, crippling illness, we should be allowed to choose our time of dying, and, if we are unable to do it ourselves, that we should be able to enlist the aide of another in 'killing' ourselves. And, finally, the majority of Americans advocate the availability of abortions, so that dangerous or unwanted pregnancies need not be carried to term against the will of the mother. The Seventh Commandment - Thou shalt not commit adultery. Jerky ain't even gonna dignify this one with a response... The Eight Commandment - Thou shall not steal. The first reasonable Commandment... and it's number eight! We're almost done, here! The Ninth Commandment - Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. This one is commonly misinterpreted as "Thou Shalt Not Lie," which wouldn't be reasonable (It would make police under-cover work impossible, for one thing!). Taken literally, however, this Commandment simply sez you shouldn't tell lies about other people. Don't say you saw this dude stabbing that dude if you didn't see this dude stabbing that dude... pretty simple, and the only judicially relevant Commandment. The Tenth Commandment - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. What? But coveting is the basis of CAPITALISM, baby! And capitalism is the engine that keeps America humming along. Therefore, this Commandment is the ultimate un-American statement! THE END!

ON THESE DAYS April 15 On this day in the year 1865, President Abraham Lincoln succumbs to his injuries. Also on this day, in the year 1912, the Titanic sinks at 2:27 AM in the North Atlantic as the band plays on. 1500 die. And, finally, on this day in the year 19 sixty-something, yer old pal Jerky LeBoeuf is born. Happy Birthday to me! *** *** *** April 16 On this day in 1818, our Senate ratifies the Rush-Bagot Ammendment, effectively de-militarizing the border between the United States and Canada. Yer old pal Jerky still believes we will one day live to regret this hasty, ill-advised decision...

QUOTES! "We know there were numerous warnings of the events to come on September 11th. What did this administration know and when did it know it, about the events of September 11th? Who else knew, and why did they not warn the innocent people of New York who were needlessly murdered? What do they have to hide?" - Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.), calling for an official investigation into whether Preznit Dubya and other government officials had advance notice of terrorist attacks on 9-11, but did nothing to prevent them. Further on, she mentions the fact that the War on TerrorTM has been - and will continue to be - very profitable for the Carlyle Group, for whom Dubya's Daddy is a "high-level advisor." *** *** *** "Did she say these things while standing on a grassy knoll in Roswell, New Mexico?" - Carlyle Group spokesman Chris Ullman must think he's pretty fuckin' funny, judging by his reaction to McKinney's call for an investigation. Satan, laughing, spreads his wings. Oh Lord yeah.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Garrison K... Three Lutheran ministers are having dinner at a restaurant when the Archangel Gabrial approaches and points to one of them. "I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU," the angel says. "BUT YOU MUST CHOOSE: INFINITE WISDOM OR A MILLION DOLLARS?" Being amongst Lutheran ministers, the man chooses wisdom, and Gabrial dissapears in a puff. "So?" one of the ministers asks with awe in his voice, "what do you know now that you didn't know before?" He answers: "I should have taken the money." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Tony from the UK... It was a typical cold, wet, windy and miserable day in London. The catering millionaire Charles Forte was sitting in the back of his limousine, which was held up in a traffic jam. Glancing up from his Financial Times he saw on the sidewalk a bedraggled figure holding a cup and wearing a sign, "Unemployed Falklands Veteran." Winding down the window, Forte was just about to put all the chauffeur's small change in the cup when the traffic started to move and the opportunity was lost. Feeling guilty about this, when he got to his office Forte held a collection among his colleagues and staff, eventually raising some seven hundred pounds. On the way home later he was pleased to find the old soldier still at the same spot. He walked across to the man and said to him, "It must be your lucky day. I have seven hundred pounds here for you, but if the traffic hadn't moved earlier on you'd have just got my chauffeur's small change. What do you think of that?" The guy looked up in grateful astonishment and replied, "Gracias, Señor!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Danny Self, whom yer old pal Jerky thinks is having a go at his old pal Jerky. there was a english man a polish man and a black man and they where in the desert. they were looking for the guy that gave them the stuff they needed to find the gold mine. they were looking to find the black man cause it was dark and they sould not see him and then they found him . then the next task was to find the polish guy he always like to walk off. when the english guy turned the corrned the polish guy jusmped out and yelled supplies, and scarred the hell out of him

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, Hi! I very much appreciate your time to review and answer my questions. Im a college girl and I have a very steady boyfriend for a year and half now. Our sex life is great. We do it at once everyday. But I noticed that he likes to masterbate in his room sometimes when I stay in mine. I have to admit that it bugged me a little in the beginning. However, I do undestand the need to pleasure oneself occasionally; in which case, yes, Im very guilting of fingerring myself without my boyfriend knowing from time to time. Anyhow, last night, I was touching myself infront of my boy trying to seduce him. He was just busy with his work at the time so i stopped and went back to my room to continue. Half and hour later when i went back to his room, he was just jacking off. I was very upset. I feel like he actually likes jacking off more than having sex with me. I asked him about it later. He replied that I should have attacked him physically and he thought i was doing it too in my room. Am i just being a nasty controlling hypocrite for even care about something like that, and would probably need some phsychologist's help OR it's natural to feel the way I do and try to just forget about it? Please help me and thanks alot. Your answer might help me for the rest of my life. Signed: a dirty asian girl Dear Dirty; I'm going to let you in on a little secret. If you walk up to your man and start twirling your fingers around in your pussy, and he continues to do his taxes or fill out his parole forms or play Tetris or whatever, then you are NOT allowed to refer to your "sex life" as being "great." So better luck with your next boyfriend!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: CEO LINK DEFENDED! Care of: wt57252@yahoo.com. Sir; CEO link serves the stated purpose of adding to the communication assets of the United States in event of terrorist attack. In addition to law enforcement, fire, ambulance, civil defense, national weather service, cable TV, radio and TV warning systems; it should be recognized that many companies have the capability to contact and warn the millions of employees who are on the job in a faster and more efficient means than just public service systems. Further, these companies are the ones that have the resources which the US may need to call upon to respond to a specific type of terrorist incident. As the government is not a vendor, but is also consumer of goods, products and services, it makes excellent sense to have direct and immediate contact with the heads of those companies. Look back to WWII and you will see that President Roosevelt initiated a similar system using the assets of Western Union, Bell Telephone, and other communication resources to have the most rapidly available communications with the suppliers of goods and services during that time of crisis. Thank you. WT [Tell that to Hugo Chavez. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com